Failure to Art

Another victory for the dark. My bad. This is me, asking for help 🙏. Open to new connections!

I didn’t want to have to tell you this… but hey, authenticity, and transparency are my values, right? So I better get clearer, huh?

Today, I was too full of fear, doubt and self-loathing to get anything done. I was planning to work on the Anml Style Whitepaper, and the to-do’s written in it, as we are starting to have much clearer goals for this project — but it didn’t happen (yet) today — I was too filled with the financial stress of not knowing how I was actually going to pay for the materials to finish building my tiny home, pay for vehicle repairs, and give my son a happy 7th birthday party (tomorrow).

MJL, authentically faced, in front of his half-baked tinyhome without windows, exterior siding,cabinetry, or any of the things that can make something a home.

Fear of total, abject failure in everything I’ve sought to do looms large. Fear of my wife and children not being proud of me or my work. Fear of not being able to finish my tinyhome. Fear or normies never waking up. Fear of relationship never healing. Fear of never being validated. Fear of never being rewarded. Fear of Culture not changing. Fear of putting out another NFT that doesn’t sell. It all swooped in today —and it seized me, instead of the other way around. You all know how I like to swing lighting bolts ⚡️and hammer ⚒️ emoji’s in grandiose excitement to ‘end SAMO©’) — I just thought you should see truthfully what the other side looks like. It’s gloomy. ⛈

I think I have been too much of an island. Resisting to everything ‘SAMO’, I suspect has put me quite on edge in a world so filled with it.

The day did start with my Apple pencil no-longer working, an omen I might’ve been able to recover from if I didn’t have so many other pressures worrying me so much.

I’m not so transparent that I’m willing to show you how ugly it really was on my end today, but I hope it doesn’t go on like this for long — those dark thoughts of not being born in the right time do loom. If only I could have a ‘longer-time preference’ — surely I would be just fine! But I have immediate needs, a family, and a longer and longer-running track record of being a free-thinking artist that maybe was just perhaps born in the wrong era, and is unable to successfully shine his light in this one? I obviously need to buy myself some TIME — but the price is getting more and more expensive, despite my reduced overhead.

As renegade as I may seem at times — It might surprise people how much of a team player I can be. (do you know of any teams looking for an innovative graphic artists?) And I very much want to play on a great team again in my ‘professional’ life. One of my primary goals for Anml Style is to get to the point where we have a funded Comic Arts Team at Anml Style 🙏, producing some of the best original content anywhere.

Does anyone have any ideas about how I / we can get there? I’m willing to do just about anything to get there — including take on some other paying gigs along the way. Know of any I might be good for? I would love to connect with other freedom-appreciating business leaders to create value. I have a lot of skills to offer. I appreciate any introductions! 🙏⚡️❤️

Tomorrow my eldest turns 7. He is a truly remarkable boy, and I just wish he could look at me and feel proud of his dad. I’ve got so little to show for all the time put into my art. So I AM ASKING universe for a sign today —— what I can do to level up my game ??? — at the end of the day, I need to provide much better for my family 🙏. I just want to be providing value to people and teams in areas where I’m strong. Existing in real communication and community where real subjects are being addressed and discussed is a plus. So far, this has been only a pipe-dream for me, and I’d like to make it my reality. I’m asking for your help, If you can think of a way that my creativity can pour life into a worthy project, and benefit my family? 🙏. I feel I’ve made some valuable art, but I can’t force the world to value it.

(Historically, I’m not one who asks for things much. I have a hard time asking for help. And I suspect this is something that is holding me back — so I’m trying out something new today. I appreciate anyone who can offer some helpful advise or a connection to move my career forward )

I think I really would have enjoyed creating stories with the creative folks working at Pixar or Disney, but I’d sooner die than sign up to work at SAMO© Corp. I saw today that Meta is looking for Creative brand designers— Am I supposed to pretend the company isn’t overtly guilty of crimes against humanity, of removing my voice, of killing free speech, of gaslighting me? Is this the attitude that’s killing me? Or is the one that will drive my success? Time will tell.

As an artist, at least the way I’ve done it so far, which is not well enough at all — there is a constant sense of ‘being an island’, which is pretty unrelatable for a lot of people, I think. It is really, really lonely a lot of the time. One benefit, is you can make yourself laugh pretty hard at times — but there is immense cost to separating from the herd in all the ways ( mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically). Fear of being SAMO has lead me to this painful place — and maybe I isolated myself too much. I didn’t see a better option. Maybe my identity over-indexed on wanting to destroy Zuckerburglar and perhaps foolishly believing that we could live in a world where truthing would be rewarded. But we don’t seem to be there yet.

To those of you that have supported my work, know that you are deeply appreciated 🙏. I have this image-of-self in my head of being a well known and loved freedom-embracing NFT artist that can help a lot of people make sense of this twisted world, while pionerring a ‘way out’ of the current matrix of ‘entertainment’. Any help towards satisfying this goal is cherished greatly.

Perhaps I have flown too high, too close to the sun, and therefore most animals would rather see me die hard in a crash and burn than experience success? I expect that’s most of this email list. I’m sorry there’s no free art visual art to look at today. The stuff I made yesterday wasn’t quite good enough. Today’s bleeding emotions are all I have to give.